Mommy vs. Mrs. Muhammad

Six beautiful years ago I became a mommy and for many years after, my husband and I tried hard to become parents of two. In November of 2015, that dream came true and then a month later, that pregnancy ended in miscarriage. We were devastated to say the very least, but optimistic about the idea of “trying” again.

Fast forward to November of 2018 and we were parents of a flourishing 5 year old and expecting again. Great news right!? Well hell yeah, but I was also in my first year of teaching FULL TIME and had just started taking courses that I needed in order to start grad school.

Okay, no problem, I’m superwoman, “I got this! I’m Nerra Muhammad, the Dragon Slayer. I can so handle teaching my 5th graders at a top notch level, run after my 5 year old, be a wife, go to school, run my business and create a life inside of me all at the same time!” And boy was I WRONG!!!

By week 6 of my pregnancy, morning sickness had completely taken over my entire life, so much so that I hate that it’s even called Morning Sickness, it should be called All Day Sickness because I had to take drastic measures just to find relief. Not to mention, I was tiredddddddddd! I was 23 when I was expecting my son and 29 with my now daughter, and I will have to admit that with 30 knocking on my door, I felt the difference.

And yet, I still managed to make it to work. I still taught my students and went above and beyond when I could, put makeup on mostly everyday, made love to my husband, hosted a couple of painting events, vended, and really did the best I could to not allow pregnancy to be a hindrance in our daily lives. But mama was tired!

As the end of my pregnancy and the end of the school year approached, my husband and I made the decision that I would take the full 12-week maternity leave and to say that I am trying is an understatement. My daughter was just three weeks old when I went to a Professional Development training for a day and to be honest, it felt so good to be around other teachers and to be out of the house learning!

Yes, I missed my daughter but I had been missing myself for weeks and I felt more guilt in how good it felt to be back in the workforce. My perfectly, healthy daughter blessed us with her presence 5 weeks early so what did I do? I texted my principal and I asked if I could return to work 4 weeks prior to my original return date and to quite honest, I don’t want to miss any time from work at all.

My son was 8 weeks old when I returned to work and although I’ve promised myself to take the full 12 weeks to stay home with her, I am struggling with that decision. I am dreading the idea that for 4 weeks my students will be taught by a sub, that for 4 weeks we will not be establishing the routine that I have been doodling and working out in my head.

Around me everyone says, “Girl, your students will be fine. Take that time to spend with your baby,” and while I know that they will be fine, I feel as if I am not.

I love working. I love being a mom. I need to do both. My daughter has two parents who love her, two parents who take care of her and will be just fine spending time with Daddy while Mommy works. God willing I will have a lifetime with my daughter but only 10 months with my students and the relationship that I cultivate with them is just as important to me.

For years my husband and I worked in the community doing social justice work that for me transcended into the classroom. Teaching is about so much more than a job that pays the bills, it’s my connection to my community, one of my passions and a central role that I love to play in helping the next generation.

So for me, I am and will be a better mother to my daughter because I am teaching her that as a woman she will not have to choose between being a mother and a career woman, she can be both. I will teach her that when she’s tired it’s okay to take a break, that when she’s hungry it’s okay to eat, and that she doesn’t have to try to fit into any box that society will try to put her in.

A woman is all things and in truth, I will take this 12 week period to be with her but with 2 weeks of PD, 2 vending events, planning and prepping for the school year, painting and writing sprinkled in because keeping still would just be too much for me!